Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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