I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
