I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You need a sexual gate keeper
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
