I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
