How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
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