When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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