hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
this beer tastes like vomit already
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
True strength comes from lack of pants
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
