my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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