im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
