his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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