I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
