and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
