He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
