im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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