Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
