I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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