Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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