my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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