all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
