Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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