she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
