You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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