You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
