I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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