Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
