A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
