i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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