I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
