if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
