rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
