shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Two words: blizzard sex
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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