you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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