she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I got inside last night via doggy door
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
