Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize