Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
