Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
