sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
