I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
