just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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