you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
