found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The feeling are messing with the penis
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
