I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
