My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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