with your own penis?
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
