I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
They have beer where we have blood.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
