I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
