mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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