mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
