I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize