Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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