Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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