i may or may not be watching the land before time
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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