I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize