My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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