Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
