you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
