I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
