So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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