so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
