Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
